Today was another one of those unsuccessful days. I woke up later than I wanted to, didn’t get everything done on my to-do list, and so on. I am sitting here with half my mind in self-pity mode, and the other half telling myself to get over it. So that’s my decided topic for today….brain brawls…

I really want icecream. Icecream is great. Look at that. Yum. I should get it. No. But… I want- No! You’re trying to lose weight. That would be cheating. You don’t need it. But…it makes me happy. And it’s not like I’m going crazy or anything. Cheating. What’s the point of being healthy if I have to be moody all the time because I’m telling myself “no”? CHEATING. ….fuck….

Let’s be realistic, people. I am one of those people who can adjust their diet so that they’re finding healthier alternatives, but I cannot entirely get rid of my cravings. And that’s not me trying to be a quitter or whatever. It’s just how I feel. I love my food, and firmly believe any amount of healthy lifestyle isn’t worth it if I am constantly having to tell myself “no”. Now, there are people who will tell you that you can still have cheat days. Or others who will say you can eat what you want as long as you work out efficiently. And then those who say it’s more diet than exercise, so give up on everything you love. And all of them are backed by science in some regards. So I tend to circle. My general philosophy is to eat healthy most of the time, and to be careful when I do stray from the “good” stuff. But of course I still have my brain saying that I need to only eat healthy, and that to rely on something as ridiculous as unbeneficial food is pathetic. And then the other part that’s saying it’s all a loud of bullshit and life has no meaning because I want the damn cheesecake.

And I imagine I am not alone in this line of thinking. Constantly arguing within oneself. This morning I was writing a to-do list and arguing the entire time about the benefits of this particular list. I was stumbling over how I felt I clearly wasn’t going to complete everything, and then thinking I didn’t give myself enough things to accomplish in one day. Or the fact that I wrote it down when I could’ve used my phone, or something else. I’ve tried to make lists the night before with agendas, or to have habit trackers, etc. on my phone, or to write lists each morning. Regardless I always falter. A big part of my issue is that I am very vague and overwhelming with the tasks I give myself. I write things like, “Clean room.” Due to the vague notion, I can do a few things around the room, and still feel the task is incomplete. So instead I’ve started breaking it down into smaller tasks (i.e.: fold laundry, clean off desk, make bed.) Seems simple enough of a fix, right? Wrong! Now my problem is getting overwhelmed by seeing all of my vague tasks turned into millions of little tasks. I am fucking drowning in tasks!!

If you feel this way, by any chance, I would like to commend you my friend. Perhaps you handle it better than myself. Hopefully you’re out here kicking ass and taking names. For today, I am simply trying not to destroy myself. Constantly fighting oneself over every single simple thing… is exhausting, humiliating, and debilitating. Right now I’m arguing over what to listen to while I type this. Usually I just have a show playing in the background. But I have found that my focus has become increasingly worse over the years for any task, blogging included. So I’ve turned back to basics. Jamming out to Red Hot Chili Peppers or Black Sabbath or what ever else decides to show up on my playlist… But the thing is, I get too distracted. Music with lyrics makes me want to sing along. So then I go to classical or music similar to that used to meditate. Helps, right? He…hehe….hehehehehehehe!

Now I feel like I should donning my finest robe, and joining the elves in heroic battle. The end is nigh for these treacherous words, for my brethren cry for thee. I must venture into the night, and slay the mighty dragon!!!

Photo by ISO Republic on StockSnap

Published by Alex

A bit of a jumbled mess, I am an aspiring social media influencer eager to share my many hobbies with the world.

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