Hello to all that choose to venture this small, chaotic corner of the world. I appreciate you.
Alas, I have been AWOL yet again with my blog posts, but I can’t find myself to apologize for something that will inevitably keep happening. So, instead, I’ll take this moment to further delve into mental health awareness and issues.
I have not been excruciatingly depressed as of late, but naturally it is a constant lingering thing. The past two weeks I’ve had a vacation of sorts; one void of many responsibilities. And I was very grateful for the uncommon reprieve. But with is came its own anxieties. As I’m sure many others can understand, I am constantly battling myself internally. Every second of every day I am questioning my thoughts and actions. “Is this even worth it?” “You’re taking too long.” “This isn’t what you want to be doing.” “You’re wasting your life.” “You need to stop beating yourself up.” “Yeah, but you beat yourself up and then do nothing about it.” “I just don’t know where to start.” “It doesn’t matter, you’re wasting time. Just start.” “But I have so many thoughts and dreams. I don’t know where to start.” “You’re wasting time.” “I’m wasting time…”
A bit jumbled, I know, but it’s the reality of the brain doing it’s thing. I spent some of my vacation cleaning up, though not enough. I HATE cleaning. I always find another thing that isn’t as clean as I want it to be, but it always gets so dirty so soon anyway. As is my thinking, it is an endless cycle of bullshit. Another portion of my time was spent playing a videogame. Which is a great waste of time, but also something I want to do more often. You see, I spend so much time being mad at myself for wanting to play a game, that I don’t do anything but sit there in self-hate, thus wasting all of that time anyway. Just maybe play the damn game sometimes? Meh. And then there’s the just staring off into space, or lingering on my phone. I did far more of that than I care to mention. Again, it is a common plight of current society. It’s something that has me wasting so much time just being empty or absorbing endless amounts of useless images and information.
I’ll take this moment to behave like a true American and insert a promo of sorts here. One that, I might add, I’m not receiving any benefits from. I just think it’s something good to check out. Bo Burnham, a comedian, created a comedy special entirely on his own through quarantine. It can be seen on Netflix. I felt the need to bring it up because there is a particular song in the special that relates to the overbearing and obliterating power that is the internet. The internet that we so eagerly access from our common cellphones.*
I, for one, love the benefits of technology and all of this access to the world, but I also can’t help but to let it destroy me. When I’m eager to do something, but unaware of how to start, I Google it. Then I am met with MILLIONS of varying answers to my question. Then the confusion sets in, the frustration, the doubts. I go from site to site, trying to write things down, to get an idea of what direction to take. And what I end up with is a headache and scribbled notes. There’s less focus and understanding then when I started. So, I just want to rant today. My brain bounces from topic to topic, as does my writing. I apologize if it’s annoying to read, but I say time and time again, I want to be genuine.
So my vacation has had its good days, its bad days, and its okay days. Today is one of the okay days. I played a videogame for a bit, and caught up on a popular t.v. show (Hint: It’s on Disney Plus, and is about a mischievous creature.) I didn’t do my workout yet, but I have been eating healthier than usual, so that’s an accomplishment. And I did some dishes. So overall, I’d say it wasn’t a complete waste of a day. And now, I’m sitting here typing. And to keep it genuine, my focus has ceased, so I’ll abruptly end the blog here.
Thank you for the support. To all, have a good day.
** I greatly appreciated the special because Bo admitted his resemblance to “Weird Al” Yankovic, who happens to be one of my favorite celebrities ever, so yeah. And there’s the fact that it was a good insight to peoples unseen struggles. Enjoy!